You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be...

5 years..?

2009-04-30T03:38:53Z

So um..

Daniel and I.. 5 years.. on and off.. this summer..
Don't know what to think about it.. other than wow..

RIght now? Agreed by both of us that it is perfectly said in The Things They Carried.. "Seperate but together"

5 years.. I feel like i Should be doing something for this.. something special..

I know we don't talk much.. and I probably won't even get on this again for another long while.. but this is a very important thing in my life..

you have to understand, daniel has been my life for the past 5 years.. no matter who I was with or what I was doing.. Daniel has always been on my mind.. Pictures in my room.. small things that remind me of him.. my house is engulfed with memories from these past 5 years.. Everywhere I look.. just memories..

He is so special to me... he stopped my world from crashing in 8th grade.. picked me up and i took him for granted.. then the tables turned and it was directly opposite.. Now we're somewhere in the middle..

Together but seperate..

So here's to the past, the present, and the future.
The important memories that are better left unsaid, but not necessarily forgotten.

This summer we'll be celebrating our 5 years..

omnomnamisa8 @ 2009-03-14T12:15:00

2009-03-14T17:28:41Z

So.. Daniel and I are broken up for good.

Somehow... I just can't believe it though.. it happens so much... i dont know when this cycle is going to end.. honestly.. I dont think I want it to end.. but I do..

He's not happy anymore. He's not happy with me. He's happy with everyone else and he's constantly trying to make me someone I'm not.. I just.. I want to be perfect for him, but I can't. I just can't.

So, I'll just buckle down and deal with this break up.. try to be friends with him still.. I won't cry in front of him.. I won't do anything to guilt him back into a relationship with me.. I want him to be happy.. If that's my ultimate goal.. then why shouldn't I just let us be broken up? so what. He's happy with me for 2 weeks and he gets sex... that's probably the only reason he ever gets back together with me.. that's the only thing i'm good for...

anyways.

I had a really strange dream last night.. The only parts I really care about are the ones with daniel though.. 2 parts of my dream Daniel and I were trying to have sex. Both times were in a bathtub actually...

anyways, this is really only for my own good so i'm just going to put what each one means..

Wasp There was a wasp in the first bathtub. I was freaking out and it ruined our mood but i killed it. We decided not to have sex in that bathtub after that (it was really dirty and gross).

To see a wasp in you dream, signifies angry thoughts and feelings.

To dream that you kill a wasp, signifies your fearlessness to ward off your enemies and maintain your ethics and rights.

Interrupt Obviously the wasp interrupted the first bath, but the second one was interrupted by people. So both times we were interrupted...

To dream that you are being interrupted, suggests that things in your waking life are not going as smoothly as you would like. You may feel that you are continually being sidetracked or that you are unable to get your point across.

Water The first water I was in was all muddy and gross.. and when the wasp was coming after me, I was underneath the water and freaking out. I actually tried to get out and I felt I couldn't, and when I finally did, Daniel told me it was dead.. The second water I was in was so clear and perfect.. i think it ended up turning into a bed actually.. weird.

To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment.

To see calm, clear water in your dream, signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.

To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions.

Bathtub and finally and what some would think most importantly, the obvious bath tub.

To see or be in a bathtub in your dream, suggests a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems. You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying. Alternatively, it indicates your mood for love and pursuit of pleasure and relaxation.

oh and btw- i weigh 110.5... gross...

The best valentines day ever ♥

2009-02-15T21:05:50Z

Daniel and I hung out.

I called them Trevor and told him I had to work. I went and got my share and hung out with Jacky until 2. I got home at 2:30, mom left, and daniel came over. we smoked like 8 bowls. we ended up having sex.. for like 3 hours.. but we took 2 breaks and used two condoms.. damn.. It was.. amazing.. We went and got steak and shake because we were super hungry. we got home and smoked 3 more bowls (a total of 11 bowls ♥ ). Then, we played super monkey ball deluxe and omg amazing game to play when your high. it was sooo hard and hilarious and omg~ daniel kept switching monkeys but it was mainly he was the big scary one and i was the baby~ hehe. I ended up getting mad at the game, falling over on my back at the end and we made out. I heard the garage door somehow and we ran back into my room and jumped underneath the covers so my mom didn't see how high we were. Luckily, she didn't expect anything. She came into our room at 12:40 and told us what time it is and he freaked out because it was wayyy past his curfew and he drove home and got home at like 12:50 which was pretty much amazzing considering the time he left. It worried me he drove like that, but I felt better when he called me. We fell asleep on the phone and stayed on all night.

This morning we woke up together on the phone.. heh.. ♥ it made me so happy... he told me he loved me this morning.. and he still tells me it.. and he's calling me babe.. it's like a dream..

Now.. with the whole Trevor thing.. I'm pretty much positive he likes me... He called me this morning and I had to put Daniel on hold cause he KEPT calling me.. I could barely hear daniel because my phone kept beeping at me. So i was a little upset about that and finally just answered. i told him i was still tired and sleeping and he let me off the phone and shit. thank god... i just don't feel the same way about him the way i do daniel.. i want to be with daniel...

... Regretting this...

2009-02-14T05:45:40Z

So.. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go smoke with Trevor, Ariel, Sam, and Tyler... Daniel's going ice skating... I was going to hang out with Ariel after school today.

I didn't hang out with ariel, she bailed on me.. and then Daniel invited me to go see Coraline with him and Gary.. It was nice.. they were smoking cigar's, but that's not even bad for you really.. Or well.. its the lesser of the evils...

anyways.. I had a fun time with them.. Daniel kept asking me if I was okay at the beginning.. I was shivering and reaaally cold.. so he let me borrow his jacket... i don't know what to do..

I want to see him tomorrow.. I really, really do... I don't want to be with Trevor and all them.. I want to see Daniel.. I'm talking to Daniel when he gets home.. if he remembers xp he might just pass out...
I hope not though... This is really important to me.. I have to know what to do.. what to ask him...

He called me, I'm going to go now ♥

omnomnamisa8 @ 2009-02-13T16:58:00

2009-02-13T23:23:40Z

I just.. I was listening to One week. and i had put that in my search bar. and this other song came on called "everybody's free to wear sunscreen." now i've listened to this song a couple times before.. but i just started bawling at the first stanza... like.. i dont understand.. maybe you don't understand until something has happened.. I don't know what that would be.. because its been a while since i've listened to this song.. but just.. here's the lyrics:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99. Wear Sunscreen.

If I could offer you one tip for the future.. Sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now:

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh nevermind.
You will not understand understand the power and beauty of your youth until it has faded.
But Trust me. In 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation.... by chewing gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed the worried mind;
The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts...don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind.
The race is long and in the end it's only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you received
Forget the insults
If you succeed in doing this.. Tell me how.

Keep your old love letters...
Throw away your old bank statements.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry.
Maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children.
Maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40.
Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much.. or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chances.. so are everybody else's

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents
You'll never know when they're gonna be gone for good.
Get to know your siblings, they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go but for the precious few, you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in North California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain unalienable truths:
Prices will rise
Politicians will philander
You too will get old
and when you do you will fantasize that when you were young:
Prices were reasonable
Politicians were noble
and Children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund.
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse.
But you'll never know when either one will run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy... but be patient with those who supply.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.
dispensing with it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

weigh 3

2009-02-13T03:50:22Z

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weight: 107.5

BMI: 17.9

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll make it easier for you, love...

2009-02-11T02:40:02Z

I'm going to do it.
I'm going to smoke with Trevor.
It will be interesting if Daniel tells me what happens Friday night with him...
Because he's hanging out with Gary and Trevor Friday
and I'm smoking with him Saturday...

I wonder if I can talk to Ariel about sleeping over at her house that night..
I thought I was going to be with Trevor and Ariel that night.
But he's getting pop.. and it's erotic pop..
which makes you super fucking horney.
and I dont know..
something tells me three people in one room and i'm not comfortable with doing that again...
No more Threesomes..

This is for Daniel...
We talked last night..
He's being a dick so I get over him
He told me to move on
and if he can go about getting over me the wrong way
then I can do the same...

This is a sure-fire way to make SURE he gets over me...
cause i don't think he's over me...
and I know I'm not over him..
but maybe this will help?
Smoking it out.. just smoking it out..
I'm nervous though...

I don't want to upset Daniel...
I don't want to hurt him...

omnomnamisa8 @ 2009-02-08T22:41:00

2009-02-09T04:59:54Z

I DON'T DESERVE IT.

I'm so FUCKING UGLY AND STUPID AND EVERYTHING'S WRONG WITH ME. I'm a goddamned whore who doesn't even deserve death because it's too FUCKING good for me. I deserve every second of torture I'm going through and I don't deserve Daniel. I don't deserve to talk to him, I don't deserve to see him, I don't even fucking deserve to THINK of him. I'm PATHETIC. I don't deserve my friends, I don't deserve my mom, I don't deserve this room, I don't deserve this mac. I don't deserve the memories I have, I don't deserve this ring or that necklace or even the money I work for. I don't deserve such a great job, I don't deserve the clothes I have, I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve my art or photoshop and I especially don't deserve Daniel's help with any of it. I don't deserve the printer I just received or the hat I just bought or anything. I'm stupid for thinking anyone actually ever loved me and I'm pathetic for still believing in love. I don't want anything to do with it anymore. I want to starve myself until I finally just disappear out of everyone's lives. I want daniel to be happy without me.. I want him to not have to think about someone who doesn't deserve it.. He deserves the world.. I deserve absolutely nothing but torture and pain. I deserve a giant blade coming down and ripping me apart limb from limb slowly, but to where I wasn't dying. I deserve nothing but absolute torture..

and even though I deserve that.. I don't want it... I just want to die.. I want to end it all.. I want Daniel to be happy again and to forget about me and to move on without me having to watch it all unfold.. I don't want to care whether or not he smokes or drinks or fucks some stupid fucking chick... I don't want that to happen, but I do and I wish I didn't care... and none of that even fucking makes sense.. I hate myself so fucking much I just want to die. No one deserves to know me.. Daniel doesn't deserve to have me wishing for him every chance I get... I don't deserve the wishes that do come true... I just.. I want to die.. or go into a coma.. I don't want to be conscious for this.. I want to lose my memory of the past 5 years.. I don't want to remember.. There's too many memories.. They're fucking EVERYWHERE. My entire room.. it's all filled with memories.. fuck, he HELPED me put the desk together that I'm sitting on right now. Like.. WTF?! Why did I do this?!?!???!???! WHY AM I SUCH A FUCK UP!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!??!

Welcome to the 8th

2009-02-08T19:22:34Z

Today it would have been 5 months this go around... not including the three months that we were together before he officially asked me out...
which.. in retrospect would make it about 8 months all together..

Funny, huh? Hard to believe I haven't laughed with him in over a week.. heh..

but he helped me with my photoshop needs yesterday.. but it was strictly helping me.. but i got to hear his voice.. it was.. nice. to hear his voice.. and it not be yelling me.. haven't had that since.. last month.. and it's already the 8th, haha...

i've been listening to some weird songs...
like.. 100 years and One Week and Dark Blue and Love Remains the Same... heh.. I'm so pathetic..

7 Stages of Grief

2009-02-06T18:57:16Z

Just for those curious.. I'm deciding to write out the 7 stages of grief.. I'm kind of curious as to which one I'm at...

Shock
Guilt
Fear
Depression
Denial
Anger
Acceptance

I think shock was when it first happened, at my dads.. Guilt was also experienced at my dad's house because i remember feeling like it was completely my fault and all these other things... Fear I think I experienced coming home and when i was home for a day because i wasn't sure what was going to happen with him. I went through fear when he was here, but I dont know..

I personally think I got depression and denial mixed up because for a month i was in denial that we were really apart.. noone really knew what had happened... and now I've been depressed since probably February 1st, when he first told me to shove it and started acting hateful towards me. I think i'm starting to get into anger.. which scares me.. because i'm afraid when i get into acceptance and am finally fine with it.. either:
A) he's going to move on and i'm going to lose my best friend
or
B) he's going to come back to me and i'll have to go through that cycle for the twenty millionth time...

It's a lose-lose situation...

Weigh 2

2009-02-06T16:26:52Z

I weighed myself for the second time.

It's technically day 3 since we started.

I'm 108. It flickered to 109, but then it was a solid 108. Have i really lost a pound in 2 days? Is it that easy? Weird.. cause yesterday i ate 2 oreo's and a small cube of cut up chicken. :/ Then I went home and ate some left over pasta, then went to work for around 4 hours. Noone was there. and I stand all the time when I work, so it's kinda convienent to get to burn off those calories. On to my weight:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weigh 2: 108

BMI 2: 18.0

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something else interesting is Daniel hasn't talked to me since the third.. and hasn't been nice to me since.. last month. He started being a jerk on the first I think.. I don't know what's going on with him.. I've been trying to figure it out, really.. He won't answer me at all. He just.. ignores me.. it's driving me crazy.. I can't go from spending almost all my time with him or texting him to not even being able to talk to him... I have nowhere to sit at lunch really. I'd sit with jackie.. but honestly.. that creepy guy that rubbed my shoulders last time made me feel reaaally uncomfortable and I don't want to be around that kind of thing again.. I can't be taken advantage of right now.. that's how it always works.. Daniel leaves me, I need someone (mainly him) and some creep comes up out of the blue and tries to get with me. It usually works is the sad thing.. I don't know... I wish he'd just FUCKING talk to me already.. I can't deal with this shit anymore.. Luckily I work every day this 3 day weekend. That way I've got something to take my mind off him some of the time... Hmm.. I've got a lot of homework to do also.. I have to memorize a bunch of shit for japanese, get a police uniform, finish my shadow box for art, and then do a physics project without my partners because they both can't meet at the same times so i just said fuck it, give me your materials and I'll fucking do it on my own. (but nicer of course, it was through text this morning).

aughh, too much going on. my stress is increasing. does stress make you lose weight? I sure FUCKING hope so. I need to.

onto my music~

It's weird.. this song is about what's going on right now.. abby showed it to me a long time ago and it worked back then, too. but now its like.. perfect.. scary perfect.. :

Lies won't save you from the bomb that you just dropped
I'm standing shellshocked but I'm still here
And this to you is what I'm saying
All that's false will
Fade away

You run away from what you know will surely come
I will remember everything that you have done
And this to you is what I'm saying
All that's false will
Fade away

I'll say it again because
Who are you
To say to me
That I'm not all right
You don't know what it's like
I'm shellshocked
And ripped apart inside
No I'm not all right
You don't know what it's like

Well yeah a change in character is great
And if it's what you need to say
It's probably what I need to hear
But never again in that way

I don't care what I'm doing that turning you off of me
It's my care for pursuing our friendship responsibly
That means I need to reconstruct what happens subconsciously
So we don't continue to treat our silence so obnoxiously

Lies won't save you from the bomb that you just dropped
I'm standing shellshocked but I'm still here
And this to you is what I'm saying
All that's false will
Fade away

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Weird, huh? Like the specific stanza "i don't care what i'm doing... treat our silence so obnoxiously"
Ya know why it's weird..? Because I've said each one of those things before. different words (not as poetic) but I've said them.
I mean.. i do care what i'm doing, but honestly right now? i don't understand what i'm doing that's making him ignore me. I told him he needs to stop ignoring me because that's what friends do. Friends don't abandon one another. (<-2nd line) and as for the third line, i really do try and fix myself. Constantly. I'm always trying to fix myself and make myself a better person so he'll stay with me. and I have to keep doing the things I fix, otherwise he'll just come back to them when he starts me on a new self-renewal project. and the last sentence should go without saying, he's ignoring me. and he's being super obnoxious about it by obviously talking to other people and not me. i don't know.. the other paragraphs make sense.. i just don't want to explain them in detail...

sorry for the rant.. this was mainly to keep a journal of my weight progress, but apparently i need to rant sometimes :/

Weigh 1

2009-02-04T23:34:20Z

I start today.

I weight 109 w/o clothes.
apparently my clothes weigh like 2.8 pounds.. how strange...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weight 1: 109

BMI 1: 18.1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Game of add-on. I've got 21, can you add more?

2009-02-04T03:05:05Z

So apparently I'm just an idiot.
There's nothing i can do.
I've finally reached that point.
He pretends I don't exist during the day...

I hate myself.

I hate my ugly, fat, stupid, undeserving, pathetic, forgetful, addictive, uncaring, fickle, naive, disrespectful, pitiful, petty, whiney, bitchy, hateful, jealous, attention whoring, needy, clingy, imperfect self.

Off to a good start...

2009-02-02T04:13:47Z

Great... So.. First day of February.

I didn't text him like.. all day. at all. i got up, went to work and hung out with abby.
Finally, I ended up texting him later when Abby was about to leave.

Me: I hope you're having a good night :)
Daniel: For the record you didnt give me that five question thing.
Me: What do you mean? I thought I did?
Daniel: No you didn't. Get the picture?
Me: What? What picture?
Daniel: No. I'm not doing that stupid thing so you didn't give it to me.
Me: XP daniel. is it too easy or too hard?
Daniel: Im just to lazy.
Me: XP your stupid. Did you do anything HW related this weekend?
Daniel: Yes. I read did my physics and algebra so shove it.
Me: Damn you don't have to be an ass about it. I didn't do my hw either.
Daniel: I did it all but that one sheet im just to tired
Me: Okay but don't go tell me to shove it cause I don't deserve that.
Daniel: Dont accuse me of what you dont know cause i dont deserve that
Me: That doesn't make sense really. But it doesn't matter, I'm sorry for accusing you, I didn't mean it like that.

First day of February. He didn't want to hang out with me all weekend. And the conversation goes on to him not wanting to talk tonight. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what to fix. I just keep trying to fix myself and I don't know what else to do. I'm still not doing something right and I'm trying so hard... It's not fair.. why can't I ever do anything right?! I really do try really hard...
I mean.. At first I didn't change myself and he stayed with me.
Then I didn't want to lose him so I changed myself.
Then I didn't want him to hate me so I changed myself.
Then I wasn't perfect so I kept changing myself until I was what he wanted.
But that's just it. I'm here and I don't know what else to change.
I'm obviously not perfect but I'm really going through some fucking shit. I want to be happy- the reason i defended myself when he told me to shove it and i told him i didn't deserve that. I'm like his punching bag. He'll put up with everyone to their face, but later when it finally gets to him, he shoves it in the only one that cares face. It's not fair..
I really don't want to lose him.. But I think I've already lost him.. he's just trying to make it obvious to me. I'll never be fucking perfect. I need to learn how to fucking stick my finger down my goddamned throat and deal with it. Because honestly I want to be skinny. I want to be perfect. I want to be loved. But that will never fucking happen, will it? No. It never will.

Lonely

2009-01-31T02:03:52Z

.... So I'm bored.. and want to throw up.
I just ate a shit ton. Like.. a whole hell of a lot.
I had two little sausage sandwiches, some cinnamon toast crunch, and then my mom came home and I had caesar salad and salmon.
I feel horribly full and I really want to throw up.
But I don't want a goddamned eating disorder.
If I throw up after only a few meals or maybe just .one. will i still be considered bulimic?
I sure as hell hope not.
I've tried it a few times before. First time, I couldn't handle my finger down my throat.
So recently I used the end of my toothbrush to see if I could get deeper.
It didn't really work because I'm not very strong-willed (the whole reason i feel this way).
I want to eat and shit...
I just don't want to feel so fucking full and fat all the time.

I created a new account and joined a purging group to see if they had anything... but i'm too afraid to post.
I don't want to seem like a newbie or anything... i'm too fucking weak.
maybe that's why daniel can't stand me?
or i'm just a fucking psycho bitch who can't hold onto anybody.
that too...

God maybe this feeling will just go away...

omnomnamisa8 @ 2009-01-23T16:51:00

2009-01-23T23:01:06Z

So.. I'm pretty much positive Daniel hates me.

I think he only likes me when he makes me not like him and it's complete torture. I don't want to do this anymore.. I wish I could just be friends with him and leave it at that- but I can't. I really just honestly can't. Today I didn't want to go through the school day without him and so I just skipped, but I was still upset because I knew he was having a great time with Morgan.

I was trying to take my mind off things by doing my art assignment, but I had to print it out and so I was calling my mom to have her help me. Well I pushed the wrong button and I accidentally called Daniel. Like.. out of all people why did it have to be Daniel?! well, he could have just not answered and let me figure it out, or say hey i'm busy or something, but no. Instead, he answers and says "Why are you calling me?" and he sounded really frustrated. Now.. I understand when someone calls you in school your pretty much confused, but would you really like.. be mad at them if it was an accident?! I was trying to call my freaking mom!!!! either way I apologized and told him i was calling my mom and called him by accident and let him get off pretty quickly since he was 'busy' probably waiting on 8th graders with morgan- or maybe eating pizza with her or w/e.

Anyways, I was doing art and it wouldn't print so now I have to use my prisma colored pencils to finish it, so i texted him and asked him and he got them and brought them over to me after school (he has to go to work before we hang out tonight). He was frowning the entire time and was like "i have to go" right when he handed them to me. I knew that? I'm the one that was like "are you giving them to me before or after work!?" like WTF~?! I'm not going to make him be late to work because I want him to come inside to give me pencils! I'm not that fucking stupid. like.. honestly... aughh. anyways, i told him i knew and still got a hug and he just walked off looking all mad or upset or w/e he is. I dont know. I don't fucking know to be honest. I didn't mean for him to be mad at me. i didn't even expect him to notice me right now. I started getting ready at TWO. Two o'fucking'clock. and he came over at 4:20 and i had JUST finished getting ready. like really!? I was getting ready for THAT long. It took me forever to shower and i accidentally like twitched and cut the back of my leg and it hurt SOOO badly. I had to finish really quickly and get out because it hurt so badly. then i had to freaking dry off quickly because bandaids dont work on wet bodies.

anyways, it took me 45 minutes to do my makeup and i dont even remember how long it took to do my hair- it wasn't as long as my make up of course, but still... i didnt even expect him to notice, but he could at least have been nice about it.

Dream II

2009-01-11T17:20:30Z

I had another weird dream last night...

DREAM
Daniel and I were on a train- weird right? But it was like.. an underground train that goes really fast- like a new york one or the ones in Japan. Anyways, we were riding on the train and all of the sudden the lights started like.. flickering and people began to jump from the train onto the platforms. (We were apparently going by the station for some time?) And then it started to sway.. like the part we were on. And we freaked out and jumped from the train onto the platform. Well, we looked over and it caught fire and crashed pretty immediately after we jumped. We began running for what we believed was the exit, but it wasn't so we exited another way.

After getting up we learned that a sort of apocalypse had happened and everyone was dying. We were up north (as I found out later) and we were so scared... We began walking together and found this refugee house. It was full of people and we figured we could stay there for a little while. The only thing I really remember from there is I was trying to find the coffee pot and I didn't know how to make coffee? (weird.)

Anyways, after some time we decided we should leave (don't remember why) and we were outside again. We saw a playground and we headed over there. There were a bunch of kids on the swing set but these two left so we sat down. This little kid swung right between us by going over the swing set! We were surprised and stood up and walked to another two empty seats together. It was strange, I don't remember what was said or what was talked about. I only remember the images of everything.. burning and decaying buildings.. everyone was either dead or searching for a place to go so they don't die... It was scary..

So apparently all these kids and people hanging around the playground were part of a refugee group and they began to leave. Hoping to find people to belong with, we followed. They ended up going to this really steep hill and turned around because it was too steep to go up. That's when my friend Traci came by. She was dirty, her clothes were tattered, and she was alone. It was really confusing. She began to tell us there were all sorts of natural disasters going on everywhere. Down south it was tornadoes and the coast were hurricanes, and as you trekked north, it was flooding in various places. She said she heard about the giant electrical disaster where we were. We agreed, but the only real thing we experienced was on the train. We asked her where everyone else was and she just started crying, she didn't know. She needed someone to go with and I started crying. I don't know why... maybe I was afraid Daniel wouldn't let her come with us. I begged him to let her come and I was crying and I wrapped my arms around his neck as we told each other everything would be okay...

Of course that's when I woke up... weird, huh?

But Anyways, this is what's been going on with Daniel and I.

SITUATION
So on the sixth, Daniel and I had sex and he told me he loved me. The seventh we were just friends. And on the eighth (what would have been our 5 months of being together if it weren't for the recent break up), he was being rude and I made a comment that pissed him off and we've been in a fight since. On the eighth it was just the comment (for the entire day, he didn't talk to me after I made the comment), and then that night I called him a few times, and his phone picked up. But it wasn't him. His phone is apparently (unaware to me at the time) answering calls for about a minute and then hanging up. So I thought he was there and I called more. His phone answered in like 20 minutes from the previous call. Again and again, until I finally gave up. I felt sick and restless and I got about an hours worth of total sleep that night.

The next morning I felt completely sick. My head hurt, my stomach felt like melted jello, and I was aching all over (i'm guessing a product of the night). I got a text from Stephen asking me to pick him up if Trevor and I were going to get donuts. Because of the way I felt, I told me that I couldn't because I probably wasn't coming to school due to sickness. He said okay and I think feel better or something. I didn't care. A little later, I got another text from Daniel. He told me that I had called him so many times his phone died last night. He woke up at 3 and was able to charge it. He told me that he didn't care anymore and that "I'd better stay away from him today". Of course, being sick and upset I told him that it wouldn't be problem because I was sick and not coming to school. I couldn't get back to sleep because all I could think about was him being mad at me. I texted him back to not be so mad at me, he asked why, I wasn't going to see him. I told him because I can't sleep and I really need rest right now. He said "fine... just.. feel better okay" I told him okay and I finally got some sleep. (kinda pathetic, no?)

Anyways, yesterday I went to work and got a massage and was still being dependent on him. I thought that he was ignoring me again because his phone answered for him for a full minute. I sent him a text about not answering and then a message over facebook cause I saw that he was on it. He told me to stop thinking he's ignoring me because he's not, he was doing art and didn't have his phone on him. Well how was I supposed to know that? He obviously went and got his phone (probably to see how many times I called or w/e) because I got a text back asking when? he was asking about his phone answering my call and I told him. he was confused and I was too. Anyways, we ended up talking on the phone and he said he was sick and tired of me. He didn't care about me anymore. that... hurt. It hurt a lot. A little later I ended up telling him I didn't know what to say to him cause I didn't want to say the wrong thing. He told me to shut up. He said if I didn't have anything intelligent or meaningful to say, to just shut up. So i stayed quiet for a while.. I wanted him to cool down and I was trying to pick my words out carefully... Long story short, I told him I was going to stop being so dependent, I listed out things I could do and ways I could stop being so dependent on him. I meant every word of it. I asked him if he was still my friend. He said just friends.. for now. At first I took it completely pessimistically- thinking that if I don't change, he's going to stop being my friend. Then he said take it whatever way I like. So I thought for a moment, what other way could I take it? Optimistically? Then I realized you can. Just friends for now? Can you be more than friends later? He probably didn't mean it that way, but that's the way I thought about it. It's okay, though, I don't actually believe we'll be back together. The same shit will happen and I'll just end up even more hurt than I was before.

So now I have to change myself. Have to. If I don't.. I may never get to be around the person I care most about in the world... And that's hard to deal with when we have like.. all of our classes together.

Now to put two and two together. What my dream means.

DREAM DICTIONARY
APOCOLYPSE To dream of the apocalypse signifies an emotional and dramatic change taken place within. The dream may also indicate the end of one kind of lifestyle and the beginning of another.

TRAIN To see a train in your dream represents conformity and go alone with whatever everyone else is doing. You have the need to do things in an orderly and sequential manner. To dream that you are on a train is symbolic of your life's journey and suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed for the right direction. Alternatively you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end. To see or dream that you are in a train wreck suggests chaos. The path to goals are not going according to the way you planned it out. Or you may be lacking self confidence and having doubt in your ability to reach your goals.

SWING To dream that you are on a swing, represents and expression of great satisfaction and freedom. It also symbolizes cycles and movement. To see a swingset in your dream indicates memories from childhood. You may feel a need to escape from your current responsibilites and relax. To dream that you are swinging, suggests that you are going back and forth in some sitatuion and need to make up your mind.

So basically what I'm taking from this is that I'm in a situation where change is happening and I need to choose something. I'm on the right track, but I tend to worry about little things when I need to relax.

.R.A.N.T.- warning it's long.

2009-01-11T03:09:02Z

I worked.

Got my paycheck- 79 bucks. i was gone for 10 days so its about right.

Got a massage due to high stress and low motivation.
It got my mind off things for an hour.

And then of course things went right back to how they have been, are, and always will be.

Daniel's been ignoring me...
We talked last night.. but of course that doesn't matter...
He said some really rude things that.. honestly he just doesn't care if he said them or not.
Hurting me doesn't matter any more.
Neither does my happiness.
He says the only thing that matters to him is his own stupid fucking selfish self, but he obviously cares for his other friends.. they matter more to him than me times 10...
He's so bent out of shape over the littlest of things.
He thinks I'm trying to guilt him back into being with him- when that's the last thing I want.
If we were together, the same shit would be happening- nothing would change except he'd be forced to talk to me.<br />But of course, he just likes to rub it in my face.

"Why does it matter? We're not dating."

He's infuriating me and I can't help but just keep fucking going back to him like a goddamned DOG.
I don't want to be this stupid little fucking bitch who just keeps going back to him because I can't handle the real fucking world!
I've lost complete motivation for ANYTHING. The only thing I'm remotely thinking about doing is trying to memorize my speech for japanese. I've pretty much lost hope in everything else- including art. It just doesn't matter. Why try so fucking hard when everyone knows it isn't worth it? Nothing's worth it. In the end everyone is just a stupid piece of shit and noone cares about anyone but themselves.

That's what we're brought up to think at least.
I don't like thinking like this.. it's not like I'm like "Hey~! Let's go and ruin my life today~ That sounds like FUN." I don't just strive to make myself a worse person. If I knew happiness was an option, I'd gladly take it.

Unfortunately that's not the case. Everything is going back to what I used to think. Suicide crosses my GODDAMNED FUCKING mind EVERY goddamned day now. Why bother? Why even bother killing yourself? I'd love to go take some fucking niquil, go in my car, lock all the doors with every spare set of keys for my car, turn on the ignition, put in a CD of everything that either calms me down or upsets me and just go to fucking sleep. Of course, my sister smokes POT too much in the garage for anyone to get some peace of mind in there. I'd have to wait until everyone was just passed out to actually do anything.

Not that I'm going to.
It'd be stupid to kill myself.

Daniel would get too much pleasure...

I mean, who wouldn't want to have to deal with me anymore? I know I don't want to deal with him anymore. If he were just like every other goddamned ex I have had this wouldn't be a problem. But he's not. I'm too attached.

And I don't think it's the sex either. I've had sex with a few other guys and let me tell you none of it was the same. It didn't matter. I was just having sex because they wanted it. It didn't matter because Daniel didn't want me. Might as well have found some use for myself. Ya know?

But no, somehow he always seems to come back to me some more to ruin my life again.
He promised me he wouldn't break my heart again this time.
He said we'd go to carousel.
He told me I could trust him.

Well what now?
I believed him when he promised a safe heart.
I bought a $200 dress for a dance I don't get to go to.
I trusted him.
And what do I get?
I get ignored calls/texts.
I get yelled at.
I get reminded of how truly alone and desperate I am.

Which sucks.
I really am alone.
I really am desperate.
I really don't have any purpose other than to make him happy- WHICH I CAN'T EVEN DO.
I can't make him happy no matter how hard I try.
and I tried... I really did.

But as always I'm not good enough.
I never will be good enough.
That's just how it goes.
That's how it will always go.

Sometimes I wish I had the guts to kill myself.
Maybe get rid of all hope first...

8 points

2009-01-10T02:19:08Z

So today I'm going to give some advice (as they say it's better to give than receive, correct?)

First bit of advice: DON'T TRUST ANYONE.
I don't care who you are or what they've done. family, friends, relationships- never trust them. They are lying to you. Noone will truly 'always be there for you' nor can they ever.

Second bit of advice: NEVER GIVE YOUR HEART OUT

Especially at a young age. You don't want to fall in love or anything near it because that person WILL abandon you. They will take your heart and tear it apart into small shreds that you will never be able to put back together. Another reason is you're doing it to someone else. Let's try not to hurt each other Hmm~?

Third bit of advice: NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU CRY
They will act like they care, they will act like they want to know, but after a while the truth always reveals itself and the cold hard fact is NOONE cares about you or your feelings. Dog eat dog world. Live with it.

Fourth: YOUR BEST FRIEND WILL ALWAYS BE YOURSELF
Taking together everything we've learned, there is no such thing as friendship. Take in everything and give it to yourself straight. If you don't depend on someone else, it's for the better.

Fifth: BE INDEPENDENT
This is also related to every previous one. As long as your sticking it out for yourself and noone else, you won't have to worry about someone hurting your or depending on them. This will make you a better person and you'll be able to take care of yourself in the long run.

Sixth: HAPPINESS IS UNREAL
if you honestly think you've been happy, think about a little further down the line. You were disappointed, were you not? Everything always ends up stabbing you in the back. In the end, we are all alone.

Seventh: ACCEPT DEFEAT
As soon as you admit that you're wrong, the shorter amount of time people can really be mad at you. Besides, everyone is so fucking sure they are perfect- so why not let them believe it?

Eighth: YOU WILL DIE ALONE
You will live your life alone, and you will die alone. Realize it. Accept it.

omnomnamisa8 @ 2009-01-04T15:57:00

2009-01-04T22:33:32Z

God.. It's so hard sometimes...

So I've been lazing around ever since the break up.. about.. 6 people know?

My sister
Abby
Traci
Amanda (work)
Riley (school + work- basically learned from overhearing)
Chappal

Of course.. that's not including Daniel and I (that would be 8 people♥)

Oh.. of course Jackie knows now, too.. hmm... strike all that above. :/

Anyways, I've been kinda mopier every day since.. more and more depressed as the actuality of it all is slowly making its way in.. I don't know.. I don't want to be depressed.. then I'd never get to be with him.. but I'm having trouble being happy...

He says I need to learn to be happy without him.. but... I can't. I'm trying so hard.. but it's like.. okay.. I'm just not happy unless the thought of him is in my mind. Right now, he really is my everything. I'm trying to make it to where he's not what decides my happiness, but I've been doing it for so long, I just can't right now... i know this is cheesy to say..but you know that song "Landslide" redone by Smashing Pumpkins..? (originally by dixie chicks.. gross).

Well seriously.. the lyrics are pretty accurate right now. I know that's super lame to say.. but seriously.. the lyrics are just.. perfect right now:

I took my life, I took it down.
I climbed a mountain then I turned around.
Then I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills, till the landslide brought it down.
Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the change in ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well I've been afraid of changin' cause I built my life around you...
Time makes you bolder, even children get older..
I'm getting older too...

Well I've been afraid of changin' cause I built my life around you...
Time makes you bolder, even children get older...
I'm getting older too...
I'm getting older too....

I took my life, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
and if you see my reflection in a snow covered hill.. the landslide brought it down.

Like.. honestly?! It was all I was listening to while I was in Flagstaff cause we were like going up a mountain that just had beautiful snow.. and it was like crazy cause he was all I could think of.. That's why I didn't want to go snowboarding.. I was afraid I'd get too depressed and want to do something stupid that could obviously kill me.. like go up as high as possible.. go to a black diamond.. honestly, it wouldn't have been hard to.

I went for 2 runs.. and I wasn't cheered up.. so I just couldn't do it anymore...

So the total of.. what like 12 hours minimum in a car riding up and down and around? that was all for nothing. ♥

Bleh.. but I shouldn't have looked at those pictures of Daniel from corpus.. it really messed with my mind cause that's when he was cheating on me.. and he was wearing our ring.. and just.. god....

It's horrible how my mood really is completely dependent on him.

:) for you math whizzers you could make a graph. Megan's happiness is dependent on Daniel's happiness.
So Daniel would be x axis. daniel 0 happiness = megan 0 happiness. daniel 100 happiness = megan 100 happiness.

I'm so Pathetic.

Sweet and Sour

2009-01-01T17:24:03Z

So... it's officially over..

and yet.. I feel amazing.

This was the best and worst new years I could have ever dreamed of~ ♥

Daniel and I got together at 5, I showed him my new mac and tablet. I showed him the pictures I took of myself and the ones I edited. :)

Then we went on ahead to our reservations at Pas..e..well it was an Italian restaurant and it was delicious~ They didn't have sprite though. I mean, they did. But it was completely carbonation and so it tasted horrrible. So I asked for a lemonade. They didn't have that either. Soo then I asked for a coke :P yuck. but its better than water~ We talked about games and other things. (can't really remember to be honest) it was mostly old jokes and being mean to each other (teasingly of course). He put his elbows on the table, I slapped him for dirty comments :) it was good ol' times.

Anyways, we returned to my house (on the way there, there were like 10 restaurants we passed that we had already been to EACH right NEXT to each other!! It was corner bakery, jasons deli, TGI Friday's, and then another one, but I don't remember. It was crazy).

When we got back to our house, I told him about his present, but he didn't open it yet. I think we talked about Watchmen. My mom was home and same with my sister (and her boyfriend who was asleep from a long drive). We ended up leaving pretty immediately after though to go see the movie "Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler. It was an okay movie.. funny though.. they played "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey. (which is funny because we 'began' our relationship ~~over again~~ at Mimosa park last summer. And one of my memories of us was when my mom came to check on us and they both started singing that song X_x. anyways, the song has a kind of meaning in our relationship.) I got to rest my head on his shoulder.. and he rest his head back on mine once &hearts; but after the movie when the song was playing, i rest my head on his shoulder and he sang along hehe~ ♥ it was sweet.. I haven't heard him sing in forever.. I sang along sometimes, but I really enjoyed listening to him...

Moving on, Daniel and I went back home to find my drunk sister screwing her boyfriend in the next bedroom. DX It was funny, though, because when we got there music was playing and both of their cars were here, but we didn't know where they were. and their door was open. Then we heard their door shut and we were like "oh no~" hehe~ but we went back into my bedroom and talked and almost cried.. everything's going to be alright though.. I know it is. I'm still in love with him.. but.. it doesn't really matter because he still feels the same the entire time, he just doesn't want to call it love I think.. That's too permanent and he can't be tied down right now.. I understand though.. We need to both be happy alone before we can be happy together. And then hopefully, when that day does come and we are happy together, then it will all be worth it...

anywho, very emotional thing going on, we end up laying in bed together.. just cuddling.. ~~I'll miss that..~~ and we kept hearing noises from the next room over. I get up and turn on music cause dear god D: save me if I have to listen to that again. but they got up, my sister was so obviously drunk, they wanted us to go and take shots with them, we said no. they insisted, we settled for we'll watch you take a shot, but then leave us alone. We watched. It was stupid. We returned back to my room where we cuddled again.

MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

So I ended up playing with his chin hair, calling him a fuzzy face at first~ but then I just kept doing it, it was fine at first. I didn't think anything was going to happy from me doing that. but we thought we heard them trying to come in again, so we ran up to the door and he pressed against me. of course this kinda did something to me, as my hands on his chin did something to him. We ended up kissing.. makeing out.. he got dizzy and we moved away from the door and he fell. I fell on top of him, but that didn't stop us. We moved back to the bed and kept making out. Things got a little emotional and we both almost cried. I think it's because we both know we're in love with each other.. but we know we wouldn't be together after the night was over. So I gave in. I let my heart decide and I was no longer unhappy. It was weird.. every ounce of sadness just went away with him, with us, being together. He was still fighting it of course. He said he didn't want to hurt me. Which I understand. I've been known to cry during sex with him before because I feel like there isn't any love. But.. I don't know.. He ended up taking of his shirt.. after a while I ended up taking off mine. He gave in. We moved to the bathroom where we took a shower together~ My mom came in later and asked me if Daniel left. I was just smiling and she knew. She told us it was new years and I got my first new years kiss (after being with him for almost 5 years on and off)... along with other things. She left, we continued. Later we finished... the water was getting cold by then. My mom came in again and told me my sister was driving drunk. I almost cried... Daniel held me close and everything felt better... We got out and lay down together... I'd have to say.. that was the most magical experience I've ever had.. We were both dizzy (of course we both are easily dehydrated.. and sex makes us dizzy too. so we were like.. double whammy'ed D:) .

//END MATURE CONTENT

anyways... I dunno.. As long as we can get through not being together, being happy.. and still somehow be in love.. I think we can make it through.. ♥

Dream 1

2008-12-30T00:49:09Z

So I keep having dreams that I'm dying.
It's weird.. Ever since I started feeling like Daniel was going to break up with me, I've just had dreams where I was being murdered.
Sometimes worse than others.

Last night, I had a dream that I was at the mall, going to work I think. Either that or I was working...
Anyways,
I was at the mall and this guy shoots me in the back!! Blood just starts gushing out of a huge hole in my back. Fucking weird. and he keeps trying to shoot me.
So I run and I jump off the balcony that goes towards the ice skating rink and here's what's kinda weird:

I glide to the railing on the ceiling. Well he's still trying to shoot me- and my back is bleeding horribly. I think it was my spine, so I was afraid I was going to be paralyzed and then he'd just finish me off.

Anyways, I think i was screaming for help and everyone thought I was the murderer!! ME!!! Like, I HAVE A HUGE HOLE IN MY BACK PEOPLE. LETS BE SMART ABOUT THIS. I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT TRYING TO KILL YOU.

Anyways.. So I'm running and I think I started calling for Daniel... I think he was either with me at some point or something, but I just wanted to see him because everything started getting blurry.

I saw a police car and I just started running towards it- crazy dude is back and trying to kill me still. I'm crying.

I open the door to the car because the policeman is ignoring me and I just.. I lay back there. Everything's going blurry, I'm crying, saying Daniel's name.. and noone has even noticed that I'm dying.

It was so scary...

Anyways, I can't remember what's between here and later, but I end up pulling out my wallet and giving the officer a 50 dollar bill. I don't know why.. and I don't know where Daniel is in all of this...

From here on I'm blank- it's 3:40 and I dont't know.. I just.. I'm scared. I woke up at like.. 6~ish and finally got up at 7:30 because I just couldn't sleep. All I can think about is Daniel and how much I miss him...

Now for the fun part: What the dream means.

"To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy destructive behaviors. You may be feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation responsibility, or other situation.

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may feel victimized in some situation.

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions have come back to haunt you.

To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life.

Danielkun...

2008-09-17T02:54:16Z

Daniel is grounded from the phone..

I'm not sure how things will work out...
Without communication.. our relationship falls apart..

I wish he could just trust himself so that I don't have to be jealous...

I love you Daniel...

Om nom Nami~!

2008-09-12T22:44:11Z

Hey there, Nami here!

Well, I'm still very new to livejournal and I hope you're all very nice.. :3

Do be kind to me, I probably won't be posting much, though...

(AKA: This is mostly here to update for EGU)